I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
