Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
