Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
