and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
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I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
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HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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