Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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