smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
