i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
