Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
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Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
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I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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