Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
