I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
Randomize
