So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
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