i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
