my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
You don't make any sense
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