Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
