marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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