I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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