literally had 100 drinks last night.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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