New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
