Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
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