1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
