I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
