Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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