You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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