Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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