I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
this will be a night to untag.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Randomize
