Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
