Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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