im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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