life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
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