Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
