I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
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