so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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