Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
