i was born a porn star she said
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Randomize
