She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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