hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
