I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
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The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
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I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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