she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
