dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
