Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
