I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
