I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
