Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
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