if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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