i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
