Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
