So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
