I need to stop coming to work sober
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
