I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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