I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
